So finally I told him how I feel.

His reaction? Nada......I swear I could die...

Sigh, is it so hard just to say it? Or is there so many things to think about in your head that prevents you from saying anything? Could it be that sometimes things are better left unsaid?

But I would give anything just to hear you say how you feel.

Tak kusesali cintaku untukmu
Meskipun dirimu tak nyata untukku
Sejak pertama kau mengisi hari-hariku
Aku tak meragu mengapa harus dirimu

Aku takkan bertahan bila tak teryakinkan
Sesungguhnya cintaku memang hanya untukmu
Sungguh ku tak menahan bila jalan suratan
Menuliskan dirimu memang bukan untukku
Selamanya....

Kadang aku lelah menantimu
Pastikan cinta untukku...

Rio Febrian - Bukan Untukku

If you really like the guy, just tell him!!!

Not that easy isn't it?

There had been many times that I wanted to tell him how I feel. Through the phone, face to face, through chatting, with sms, blah3x. But I would sweat nervously and decided just to shut up. But everytime I did that, I would blame myself for being so stupid. Why didn't I tell him when I had the chance?

Because...

Because I'm scared that he doesn't feel the same. Because I'm afraid that he would laugh. Because I don't want to hear anything else besides "I like you, too.". Because I would die if he didn't say anything. Because of hundreds of reasons....

Because.

I don't need flowers, I don't need diamonds, I don't need you to buy me things, I don't need romanticism, I don't need things that can be bought. But I need you to tell me how you feel. If you like me, say you do. If you miss me, say it. If you love me, don't let me hear it from anyone else but you. But if you don't feel the way I do.....I want to hear it from your own mouth...

I'm not a mind reader, so don't ask me to guess or even say that I should have known....

The power of gossip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so dead.

Altho I never write his name (or anyone's) in my blog............THEY KNOW!

Actually I've updated my blog yesterday but it went error!!! Graowwww!

It's 8.30 in the morning and I've been up since 7, so forgive me I might write something you don't understand coz my brain is still half-asleep. I might not understand it myself (fufufu).

One word to describe how I feel right now.........KANGEN!!!!!!

Sama siapa?? Ada dehhhhhhhhh..........

Hahaha.........deja vu.

Yes, I miss him soooo much and this background music (Sometimes by Britney) is not helping!! It's confusing and frustrating coz I can do zilch about it. Could this little crush turn into something more than I thought it could? My heart says go for it but my brain thinks too much stuff.

Sigh..........

Someone helppppppppp!

Setelah pulang dari puncak akhirnya gue bisa blogging lagi. Meskipun kalo gue ga di puncak juga ga bisa blogging abisnya ga ada i-net di rumah sih. (CN mulai rese)

Yang paling berkesan dari puncak? Pas ke Bandung donggggg. Ng...ada sih yang lebih berkesan dari itu....tapi maap karena akan gue...SENSOR!! Tapi yang paling ga enak itu Rumah Mode. Ajegile ramenya pusing bener gue ampe pengap di dalem. Akhirnya gue cuman main2 di sekitar kolam ikan sama anaknya sodara gue.

Di Valley Bandung.....meski cuman makan pisang goreng di restoran yang rada WAH itu (agak sakit ati liat harganya, apalagi mas nya yang luama bener kerjanya), tapi pemandangannya bagus deh liat ke bawahnya, biarpun agak2 mendung. Pas udah gelap gitu lampu2 mulai nyala.....romantis bangetttttttttt! Meskipun ga ada live band, tapi udah cukup perfect settingnya. Tinggal kurangin harga aja...hehehehehe...

Dan dari situ trus balik ke jkt. Eits, petualangan blom berakhir. Sodara gue yang bae ini ga bawa kunci rumah! Cuman bawa kunci pager. Walhasil sang suami harus menjadi maling semalam manjat2 ke beranda lantai 2 en gedor2 pintu sambil teriakin "SUSSSS!!!! SARIIIIII!!!!" sambil berharap itu suster en pembantu yang tidur di lantai 3 bangun. Maling kok ribut? Abisnya itu jam 2 pagi dan kita terkunci di luar. Sedih bener ga sih?

Jadi itu suami istri gedor2 pintu, adenya sodara gue sibuk bolak balik dari rumah ke boil buat kasih update tentang itu pintu rumah, ade gue cengo di mobil, temen gue terkapar tidur di mobil. Gue?? Jagain anak sodara gue yang asik main setir2an di CRV itu. Anything biar dia ga bawel. Tadinya sih dia lagi tidur di mobil juga ehhhhh ternyata dia bangun dan mulai hyper lagi.

Ga lama......gue, ade gue, temen gue en adenya sodara gue pun meramekan kamar ade sodara gue. Ber 4 di ranjang yang lumayan kecil itu. Kenapa gue ga pulang aja? Padahal rumah sodara gue di blok N, rumah gue di blok A. Males sih......heuheuheuheuhue.

The end deh......sampe disini dulu ceritanya karena bokap gue lagi mondar mandir di belakang gue.

State of my heart?? Rada ngebingunin. Why, you ask me? Dang.......I have no idea. It's confusing.....but I like every pieces of it.

Dikutip dari Scooby Doo 2:
"Listen to your heart, what does it say?"
"I don't know, it's beating too loud for me to hear"

Asikkk kepergian gue ke Sg diundur jadi tanggal 1 Sept. Yayyyy! I'm glad coz now I can spend some more time with him even though he has no clue. Hmm did I say I was going to give up on him? I dunno.....maybe I won't. Maybe I will. MAYBE. I dunno yet. But I promised my roommie that I'd tell him how I feel. Now, why did I promise her that???? I must have fallen and bonked my head. That's one great way to embarrass myself.

Should I tell him? Again, maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm confused. There are lots of things why. Coz distance and time are two of those things that matter. Is there any chance that he knows how I feel?

"Bayangan dirimu
S'lalu kunantikan
Dan tak kunjung hilang
Meski mungkin
Engkau tak sadari"

Lazy days, I'm in a hazy phase
Of watching countless ways in which my life goes crazy
Foolishness to blame
Still it pains me all the same

To like someone who's so far away (well, it's gonna be) is hardddddddddd!!!

Maybe that's why I don't want a boyfriend right now? But I really really like him.

Gue lagi bener2 suka lagunya When You're In Love With Someone by Billy abis bener2 pas banget ama suasana hati (cieee....puitis banget). Tapi dia ngga tau. Haruskah gue kasih tau dia? Bener2 pusing deh. Bagaimana caranya untuk agar kau mengerti bahwa aku rindu... (dari lagunya Agnes Monica yang judulnya Cinta Mati)?

Ah ga tau deh.....pusing juga.

Tapi suka kan?

Iya sihhhhhh ^^ ..............(lagi2 CN bikin rese)

Bete bener, kenapa frenster tuh lama bener kerjanya ya?? Temen gue ngasi testimonial blom keluar juga padahal udah lama nih, trus temen gue kirim msg juga blom nyampe juga. Astagaaaaaa!!!

Hix hix, kangen nih *dgn nada yang muanjaaaaaaaaa banget bikin merinding*.

Kangen sama siapa??

Ada deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! (bikin rese ga sih?)

Gue lagi ga ada kerjaan nih makanya ngisi blog gini2 aja kayak org ga niat tapi sangking bosennya sampe ngisi. Ada2 aja si CN.

Kenapa gue ga ke Gereja atau ikutan cell group or PD whatsoever?? Karena karena.........

Gue dulu rajin pas di Sg ke gereja meski gue ga ada agama karena gue emang suka kok ke gereja cuman aja gara2 itu guru gila di Tarsi 2 yang bikin gue suerem...abis mukegile guru agama sih guru agama tapi maksanya boooooooo ga kuat!!

Back to the problem....

Nah pas di Sg di City Harvest Church, pertama ketemu org2 yang asik suka nasehatin gue (karena gue sendiri di Sg tanpa ortu) en gue jadi suka curhat2 gitu. Ke cellgroup juga pergi tiap Sabtu gue jadi belajar banyak tentang hidup bla bla bla. Pokoknya bener2 gue nikmatin deh.

Until one day (jreng jreng jrengggg).......

Gue kan ga bisa ke cellgroup gara2 gue harus ikut kelas ekstra di sekolah hari sabtu, gue di telponinnnnnn mulu, katanya ngapain sih ke ekstra kelas, mendingan ke cellgroup aja belajar tentang Tuhan. Gue ya bilang ini harus pergi kok karena gue bakal ulangan en gue belom ngerti, ditambah lagi gue bisa kena denda $10 kalo ga dateng (salah satu siasat guru gue biar pada dateng).

Tau ga sih temen2 cellgroup gue bilang apa?

"Don't go, we'll give you $10!"

I mean...........WOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?????!!!!!!!

Me : (rada syok) "I still have to go, it's a must from my teacher!"

Them : "We'll introduce you to cute guys in church!"

Ah....excuse moi, buka biro jodoh kah anda???

Ga tau gimana, dari situ muncullah gosip2 yang ga enak di kuping tentang gue. Gue juga jadi males ke gereja sana karen group mereka tuh boleh dibilang mayan gede, jadi kebanyakkan anggota gerejanya ya dia2 juga. Trus dari situ gue kayaknya udah cukup kapok. Mungkin takut juga kalo gue ikut2 lagi, trus org2 yang gue sangka temen depan2nya ternyata......bukan, malah jadi saling tuduh menuduh......

It's painful and it left a mark in my heart.

Soooooo for "someone", it's not that I'm lazy to go to PD with you......

Sigh........maybe I'm sad coz I can't have him. Maybe I want too much. But one thing for sure, I like to see him smile and gets excited whenever he talks about her. It's heartbreaking, isn't it? Kinda pathetic, too.

"When you're in love with someone
Dreaming of a tender touch
Yeah,I love you so much
To be friends is not enough
When you're in love with someone
I don't know what to do
'Cause that someone is you"

I can't just "...bla bla bla...oh by the way, I like you!" Can you imagine that? He'd sprint off so fast before I could save my pride by shouting, "Just kidding!!"

Maybe I should just let him go, after all, he likes her. Maybe if I do that, I won't feel like so suffocated anymore. It won't be so hard to breathe when I talk to him. Maybe the idiot side of me wants to see him happy. He has no clue, and I don't know what to do. I think I'm talking rubbish since I'm bored.

......whatever......