this is for someone.....

Today, finally I've realized it. Thank you for acting like you care. No, thank you for making me think that you care. Thank you for making me fall in love with you, and not catching me when I fall. Thank you for putting my broken heart whole.....then be the one who breaks it into even smaller pieces...Thank you for making me suffer.......

Akan kemanakah kamu setelah ini?
Bukankah selama ini kamu aman disini?
Kita memiliki segalanya, kamu mempercayai aku, aku pun mempercayaimu
Tahun demi tahun berlalu
Haruskah terus kusimpan rasa di dalam hati, seperti yang terus aku lakukan?
Jauh di dalam hatiku
Aku bimbang ada sesuatu yang sudah lama ingin aku katakan
Aku khawatir akan perasaanku, cemas kamu akan tersesat
Cobalah untuk mencintai aku
~dikutip dari novel miss jutek~

My holiday in Indo is nearing to an end. In a few days, I would be at US. Should I be excited or should I be sad because I won't be seeing my family and friends in Indo for a year something? I know for sure I won't be excited for starting school hehehehe....but still.....

I haven't met him yet...I dunno if I will...It's just sad that for 3 weeks I'm here, I haven't met him and only talked to him on the phone twice. What's going on? A part inside of me is saying that maybe I've lost him, but how can I lose something I've never had? How can something end, when it never begins at all?

Come to think of it....it's really sad. Especially after I read a novel, Fairish. Some words inside the book striked me. "..loe tuh kayak angin...gue tau kemana angin itu berhembus tapi gue ga bisa nyentuh tu angin sedikitpun..."

BLETARRRRRR *dikit dramatis*

My heart felt like it had been stabbed so many times, it's bleeding and it couldn't be stopped. Maybe it can never be, it's dying slowly and painfully. It hurts to know that I can never have someone whom I love so much. Little by little, reality is making me to accept that so far I have been walking alone blindly, refusing to accept the truth. Although it hurts. But then, the truth always hurts.

So the next time I fall in love....would it be to someone who truly loves me back... or am I still the one who tries to catch the 'wind'? Or should I just sit and enjoy the wind blowing, playing tricks on me, without trying to catch it at all, knowing that in the end it would just hurt me? Or maybe I should just keep on dreaming?

Yakz....hari ini Natal......Enjoy juga, lumayan. But I guess what I want for Christmas never comes true, huh??

I'm so tired of waiting for you. Merasa kalah....well bukan kalah istilahnya...tapi nyerah aja. Sedih juga. I'm giving up on you because you turn out to be someone who just didn't care. I'm tired of waiting for you to care. I'm tired of waiting for you to talk to me. I'm tired of waiting for you to call me. I'm tired of waiting for you to look at me just once. I'm tired to be the one who keeps on waiting. I'm tired of waiting. I'm just tired.....I can't do this anymore.

Kayak lagunya Shanty yang judulnya Di Belahan Langit Hati, "...antara trus bermimpi.. atau berjalan tanpamu..."

Sedih..........

Merry Christmas for all........

It's nearing Christmas.......I loveee Christmas......but at the same time, it's the loneliest day for me. Isn't ironic?

I dunno why I love Christmas, I just do. I get excited hearing all those Christmas songs, I even go to Church for Christmas, and I get all warm inside on Christmas time.

But at the same time......
I get lonely on that day. You could put me in the middle of Christmas party, surrounded by all those people but nobody could get rid this loneliness inside me.

But what ironic is....I enjoy being lonely on Christmas day.

SAD.........

Basi...idup itu basi....Cape banget kayak gini. Bawaannya mau marahhhhhhh terus. Padahal besok kan kondangan, harus cantik hahahaha....yeah rite. Besok pagi tuh bakal pergi dim sum, abis itu di rumah nunggu sodara tercinta kondangan makan. Abis itu baru deh ke salon buat siap2 kondangan malem2.

Cape sama loe yang sama sekali ngga mau ngerti.......apa gue nuntut terlalu banyak ya? Coba gue bisa tau perasaan loe yang sebenernya. Coba loe lebih jujur ama perasaan loe sendiri. Coba loe bilang ama gue perasaan loe. Tapi gue rasa....ga mungkin ya?

Life is funny. When I thought that I have lost my way, I managed to find my way back to you. When I thought I finally found someone I was comfortable with...I lost it. When I thought I didn't want it, you somehow managed to make your way back to my heart. When I pulled myself near to you, you pushed yourself away. When I stayed away from you, you pulled me near.

I'm confused...Ain't life funny?

Wanna know what I like about you?

When I push everyone away, you stuck by me. You don't force me to talk, you just stay by my side. You don't get mad because I stay silent, you just ask me if I'm okay and if I want to talk. You just simply stand by me. Instead of leaving me alone, you walk with me, while I get lost in my own thought, trying to collect myself and put myself together.

So, for someone, *sigh* he might not read this, thank you for last night. I'm grateful to have you as my friend.

"When you have to look away
When you don't have much to say
That's when I love you
I love you just that way
To hear you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
That's when I love you
I love you, endlessly
And when your mad cause' you lost a game
Forget I'm waiting in the rain
Baby I love you
I love you anyway

'Cause here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
'Cause that's when I love you
When nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn, the more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you
When I love you no matter what

So when you turn to hide your eyes
Cause the movie made you cry
That's when I love you
I love you a little more each time
And when you can't quite match your clothes
Or when you laugh at your own jokes
That's when I love you
I love you more than you know
And when you forget we had a date
That look that you get when you show up late
Baby I love you
I love you anyway

'Cause here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
'Cause that's when I love you
When nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn, the more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you
When I love you no matter what

That's when I love you
When nothing baby, nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn, the more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you
I love you no matter what

No matter what"
~That's When I Love You by Aslyn~

Gue lagi suka banget ama ini lagu, kemaren sambil belajar selama 3 jam pertama dengerinnya ini melulu......untung ga rusak CD nya huehuehuhue......

Bear with me, this is gonna be a looooooooooooong entry.

Mau cerita, pas kemaren pulang ke rumah.....wuahhhhhh seneng banget ketemu ranjang sendiri soalnya dari hari Kamis tuh udah jarang banget liat ranjang sendiri. Pas Kamis, abis makan malem (more like gue nonton orang makan soalnya gue udah makan di rumah), gue ke rumah D, belajar (or at least trying to) sambil bantuin install programnya R di rumah D, sementara R en D molor!!! Jam 3 pagi teng baru gue bangunin R minta anterin pulang abisnya gue ga bawa mobil. Sampe rumah.......gue belajar lagi lantaran 2 mid-terms buat Jumat. Ga tidurrrrrrrrr!!!!

Pulang2 dari sekolah pas Jumat jam 1, gue pikir mau tidur bentaran nih sebelom bantuin J pindahan rumah jam 5 sore. Ternyata oh ternyata......J pindahan jam 4 gitu. Gue pulang, makan segala udah jam 2 lewat pas kelar. Akhirnya.........gue ga tidur deh. Well tidur sih bentaran. Taro kepala di atas meja........ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.........

Bangun2 jam 4 lewat pas D telp gue, nanya udah pada dimana soalnya kan dia kerja en katanya bakal nyusul......tapi apa daya, yang sekarang lagi bantu J, cuman 3 cowo heuuehuehe. R aja masih di sekolah bikin tugas. Sampe tempat J?? Jam 5 lewat, nyaris jam 6. *smiles sheepishly*

Udah gitu.......gue ama J juga ga ngapa2in soalnya yang cowo2 doang yang angkut2 barang. Hahahaha...........senangnya ^^

Abis bantuin pindahan, gue pikir "Yes! I can go home and sleep now!" Coz jujur aja roh gue udah terbang setengah, ngantuk banget! Tapi apa daya, I forgot that I promised D that I would go watch a movie with his friend. Thank God, some of the guys were going, too. So me, H, D and his friend watched National Treasure while the other 2 watched Finding Neverland. I fell asleep at the first half of the movie..... -_-"
---
Saturday....

I got home at 3 in the morning........only to sleep for a while because the next day, which was Saturday, I had to drive D to his dealer to get his car detailed (washed, waxed, etc) at 10 in the morning. Arrgghh.....body......protesting........Then I helped him do his laundry. Damn, 6 loads!!!! But at least he made lunch for me hohohoho.....All those talk about studying while doing laundry seemed to be forgotten because we ended up watching TV after I hung his clothes. I was on his futon, watching TV and D was on his bed. We talked a while, and when he was on the phone, I fell asleep!!! Only to wake up when D was playing PS2 and he reminded me to call R because he's supposed to be there since my roommie's bf was treating us to dinner for his birthday at Krua Thai.

After dinner.......11 o c'lock!!! We went back to D's house because we're going to study (have I mentioned that I HATE FINALS??!!) but D ended up sleeping, and R and I ended up watching Wrong Turn on TV. And I ended up sleeping overnight at D's house at 3 o'clock ^^;
---
Sunday...

Kayaknya karena gue ga tidur di ranjang sendiri, gue suka bangun2 gitu, tidur pun ga tenang. Ngiri gue ama R yang tidur enak buangetttttt! Trus gue kebangun jam 6 pagi gara2 D lagi bikin kopi en dia ribut banget nyari gula. Gue melek cuman nanya "Lagi ngapain seh??" yang D jawab, "Nyari gula nih...." trus gue back to dreamland sampe jam 10 lewat, waktunya D ke gereja. Itu pun abis dia pergi........tidur lagi! Hahahahaha..........Gawat...

Finally, at 12 I woke up, just to find out that R was already awake and showered. So he drove me home, he talked to my roommie while I showered and then I joined them for a while, then off R and I to school to study with H after having lunch at Denny's. We drove our brains crazy for quite some time. I've gotta be honest......I was having trouble concentrating! My brain's half asleep, and the half that was awake was overloaded with information. And my mom kept on sms-ing me to complain about dad. What a day! I swear if I was alone in that room, I would've either screamed or banged my head against the table. But since I wasn't, so I just blasted the volume of my CD player, blocking all the sounds of R and H talking, blocking the sound of my cell beeping, telling me that I just receieved a message, blocking other people's voices, basically...blocking the world.

Then after dinner D joined us back at school and we met other friend over there who stayed for a while. Never would've guessed that I would study until almost 2.30 in the morning at school!!!! That Student Union felt like it belonged to us. Luckily nobody complained coz we made so much noise. NOT how I want to spend my weekend.

Yeah......it ended where I posted the entry last nite......Actually this is just a summary of how I spent my weekend. I gotta hurry because I still have final at 1.40 in the afternoon later. Wish me luck!

Ciao.............

I will be very very brief because it's 3 in the morning........

You might be wondering why the heck am I still up.........The answer is.......I just got back from school!! YESSSS School!!!! It's final week and I was at the Student Union studying since 4 in the afternoon with B and R. D came later after dinner.

Sighhhhhhhh I miss my bed. That's why I insisted on going home tonite because if I went to D's house, I think I'd fall asleep again like last nite! Very very not comfortable!

Oh well.........going to sleep now.....will continue later on with the whole story.

Gue bergadang lagi deh malem ini. Besok ada 2 mid-terms en 2 assignments due. Untung assignments udah gue buat, tinggal gue ketik aja trus di PRINT.

Yessss! Berguna juga bengong2 selama 5 jam di Student Union situ. Mungkin gara2 ga banyak anak2 yang dateng, so I was pretty much left alone, jadi gue bisa kelarin semua tugas gue. Yay! Tapi ga enaknya??? Bosennnnnn!! Ga ada yang bisa diajak ngobrol. Palingan ada 1 atau 2 anak dateng, ngajak gue ngobrol bentar abis itu cawwww ke kelas. Sigh....gini lah kalo ga ada kelas en tetep ke sekolah.

Wait, wait....I have no school and yet I still go to school?? Dudeeeee.....!!!

Iya sih I know tapi kalo gue di rumah, chances gue buat belajar makin dikit gini! Dengan TV, komputer en terutama RANJANG di rumah, pasti gue main2 atau tidur. Gawat kan? Jadi gue ke sekolah en meskipun ada dikit2 ngobrol en nyimpang dari buku, paling ngga gue belajarnya kelar en pr gue pun kelar. Suka dapet makanan gratis lagi *grin grin* Hohohoho.......

Downsidenya....ya bosen itu. Gila sih bener2 tadi gue sampe kelar belajar en bikin pr, ga tau lagi mau ngapain tapi ga bisa pulang soalnya gue pulang balik bareng temen gue yang lagi di kelas dia. Sangking bosennya, tau gue ngapain??? Bawa diary ke sekolah en nulis!!! Ampir 4 lembar gue tulis...bisa bego gileeee!!! Itu pun kebanyakkan yang "Gue lagi di depan Kikka Sushi nih bengong nunggu J kelar kelas" en biasanya yang "one hour to go...." trus gue bla bla bla en di bawahnya gue tulis "45 mins to go....."

But like I said.......at least my work' done! And I could go home enjoying myself for a while, until all my fave shows had ended and it's time for me to hit the books again.

But....where I am now??? D's house!!!
It's a looooooongggggggggg story. A pretty fucked up story too and I don't intend on explaining that coz it's made of my own stupidity and boredness. I'm trying to continue studying while the guys are asleep on their beds.....so nice........so peaceful...so envious........so making me frustrated! Coz here I am on the internet!!!! My late night craving comes back. I'm hungry and need something sweet to keep me awake.........

Oh, at least in 30 mins I'd be going home......

Why, you ask???

Trust me, you don't wanna know!

Cape...........Badan serasa mau rontok....Otak gue kayaknya udah ga ada motivasi buat kerja... Butuh gula (ga tau nih gue akhir2 ini craving for some sugar sampe sejem tuh gue abisin 3 teh kotak)....And my heart's breaking....

So tired lately. Physically, mentally, and psychologically.

I'm planning a Christmas party that I won't even attend because I'm going back to Indo. All those officers are asking me why do I even bother doing that when I won't be in US for that? Why am I doing this??

I guess because I want to. I want everybody to have a Christmas party that I know I won't have. Sad and pathetic, huh??

A week!!! I just realize I have a week more in here before I'm off to Indo for holiday. I dunno why but I want to stay here for a while more.

Sad...sad...sad...sad.............sad..........

Semakin deket Christmas.....semakin banyak orang nanya gue mau apa......Hohoho... senangnya. Well gue tau sih cuman pada basa basi en ga bakal beliin gue.

Here's what I want for Christmas:
1. Peaceful mind without all those fighting between parents
2. Fun times with my friends and family
3. Someone's hand to hold.......

Yeah yeah, I know the third one is kinda difficult. And I'm not talking about my relatives here. I have no idea. Kayaknya beneran deh Natalan ini bikin gue jadi cengeng huhuhuhu..........