Gara2 ada unidentified animal yang masuk ke kamar gue semalem, walhasil gue tidur jam 4 pagi!!!

Semalem gue lagi chatting ama B en R, trus tiba2 dari sudut mata (caelah) gue liat ada yang lari masuk kemar gue en ngumpet di balik kardus. Merasa penasaran, meski hati kebat kebit en udah berpanik2 ria ke B, gue angkat juga itu kardus. En secepet mungkin sampe gue pun gak tau itu apaan, itu hewan lari keluar kamar lewat bawah pintu!!!! Item2 gituw. Gue masih bengong karena cepet bener tu binatang lari en otak gue blom kelar kerjasama ama mata gue, "What the hell did I just see??!!" Yang pasti bukan hamster gue karena warnanya item (majority hamster gue warna coklat atau putih) and it was too small to be my hamsters (guilty of spoiling my hammies that now they become a bunch of FATSOS). R nanya, "Uler kah??" Gilaaaaaaaaaaaaaa kalo sampe itu binatang reptil yang paling gue benci seumur2....gue bakal burn dupa di kamar gue, say hail mary 3 times, en gue exorcist tu binatang! Semoga tidak....right?? Hiyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!

Trus kemaren pas ke kafe sekolah, ketemu anak2 juga en Y langsung bilang, "Gile serem amat loe kuku item semua gitu!" Yea, hasil dari gak bisa tidur tiap hari, gue cat kuku gue warna HITAM! Huheuheuhue....DC pun nanya napa gak lain kali pake baju item, make up item, lipstik item, semua hitam?? Go gothic, girl!!Karena.........gue udah kurus en kecil gini, kalo item2 semua bisa2 disangka tikus berjalan kali?! Either that or I'm going to a funeral.

Pusing.....pusing...I feel so lost and empty. Everything changes around me, and I don't like it. Have I been so blind that I couldn't see things haven't stayed the same and when I finally realize it, things have completely gone off courses? Are we too far separated? Have we taken completely different roads? Are you too far in front of me? Am I too far left behind? Did you walk too fast, or was it me who refused to move a step toward? It seems like I don't know you anymore. Like I have been replaced. Or was it me who left you first, then wanted to things to go back to the way it used to be?

Everybody's changing...Things have changed. Why don't I feel the same?

Am I too selfish?

Sekolah udah mulaaiiiiii *kok kayak masih anak SMP aja* sama dengan banyak prrrrrrr!! Coba ya bayangin, hari Senen, jam 8 pagi udah dikasih sarapan angka2 di kelas Intermediate Algebra, trus udah dikasih pr 18 nomer, yang gue bikin setengah sambil dengerin lagu "Dan" live dari anak2 yang ngeband tepat di sebelah gue. Gue pikir yah tar setengah lagi bikin hari Selasa since masih due hari Rabu.

Eeeeeehhhhhh masuk2 Selasa pagi, kelas English...baru aja first day....udah dikasih artikel en jawab pertanyaan. Artikel interesting, cuman 31 halaman ("CUMAAAANNN??!!!" tereak S ama R), tapi jawabin pertanyaan itu loh udah muuaaaaalllleesssss bener.

I guess this is my punishment for leaving those classes until I'm going to graduate T_T

Trus blom lagi kan mobil gue masuk bengkel lantaran dibenerin atas baret2nya. Udah berapa lama ini blom kelar2 jugaaaa! Well rencananya sih pas Spring Break benerin, tapi gue dikasih tau tempatnya aja udah hari Jumat, pas Spring Break udah mau kelar *lirik2 RONALD DJUANTO dengan tajam*

Walhasil gue sekarang ke sekolah ikutan R (yessss Ronald) pagi2 en pulangnya either dijemput roommie atau nebeng sapa yang pulang juga, coz my car won't be ready until Thursday. Bego deh gue di rumah ngga bisa main jalan ke mall atau ke toko buku gitu. Untung hari Kamis libur, jadi gue gak usah ke sekolah, gak usah bangun pagi, en gue bisa ambil mobil siang2. The garage people'd better be done with my car or they're gonna get it!!!

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you're actually AFRAID to get it? I have...In fact.. I am now. I'm scared that if I get it, my heart would be crushed if it flies away from me. My heart feels like it's torn into two. One part of me wants it badly, but the other part won't handle it if it leaves me. It's confusing, and it's scary. It's like being lost, and I keep on calling for help but I keep on running away so nobody would find me. It's like I push people away when they get too close, yet deep inside I want someone to understand me. Although it scares me when someone can see right through me, a small portion inside me wants that person to exist. I'm actually afraid if someone successfully breaks through the walls I've built around me. I don't know what I want anymore. I feel like wanting to stay in total darkness but wishing the light would shine on me at the same time.

I want to believe when I say, "I have to fall down and get up so many times before reaching there, before meeting that someone." but there are many times, when I fall down, I stay on the ground, not wanting to pick myself up, crying my eyes out, hearing my own heart breaks into tiny pieces...and ready to surrender. But what I'm afraid the most, is when the next time I fall down...I might refuse to get up. I might give up. I might just lie there and wait to die.

Have you ever felt that way?

If I'm unable to sleep at night
And darkness starts to swallow me up
Can you be there to comfort me?
When my world is ready to be destroyed
Would you be there to save me?
Can you be there to tell me it's okay
When my problems start to arise?
When I'm going through bad times
Can you tell me that everything's gonna be alright?
Would you run your fingers through my hair
Pull me near and hold me close
Protecting me from all the coldness I feel?
Could you smile and assure me that you'd be there
No matter what?
If all my doubts are crowding me
Would you still walk with me
Holding my hand
And ready to take on the world?
If all of those happen....
Would you be there for me?

First love happens once in a lifetime...and it never ends. No matter how much you say that you've forgotten, you never could deny your first love.

I could always remember his smile, his laughter, his eyes danced whenever they met mine...and the way he held me when I felt the world came crumbling down. Although we've broken up long time ago, but there is this special feeling whenever I am near him. Although he's no longer mine, but there is warmth inside my heart whenever I hear his voice on the phone. But that doesn't mean that I want to get back together again, there were just too many memories and past. He's my first love, and there's nothing I could do to change that.

I can't say for those couples who fought and ended up the relationship with their first loves bitterly......but I can say one thing about my first love...it will be the most memorable love I'd ever feel.

Where's the navigator of your destiny
Where is the dealer of this hand
Who can explain life and its brevity
'Cause there is nothing here that I can understand

You and I have barely met
And I just don't want to let go of you yet

Noah, hello, good-bye
I'll see you on the other side
Noah, sweet child of mine
I'll see you on the other side

And so I hold your tiny hand in mine
For the hardest thing I've ever had to face
Heaven calls for you before it calls for me
When you get there save me a place
A place where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just awhile
~Michael W Smith - Hello, Goodbye~

Love
Love makes you do things that you think you'd never do
Love makes you sick to your stomach
Love creates flutters of butterflies whenever you see that certain someone
Love makes you dizzy
Love forms a smile in your face for no reason
Love makes your heart skips a beat whenever someone mention his name
Sadly...so does fever...
So am I in love or am I getting sick?

After spending years trying to be like someone, wishing that I was someone else, that I would be perfect.....finally someone said to me...

"I like you because you're you. Simple. You're not like any other girls...you're just being...you"

He had no idea how much those words mean to me. To be liked because I'm being myself. For my entire life, I was always told to be prettier than THAT girl, to be more hardworking like my friend....I was always compared to other people. It's making me believe that being myself was the most wrong thing I could ever do. That I was the biggest mistake. But tonight....he proved me wrong.

Thank you, for making me feel worthy just to be me.

Finally after thinking that I'd do nothing on Spring Break except reading books that I've bought, I went to Sea World San Diego with my sis, J, B, S, D, and female D, which I'll call DC.

Supposedly we left at 8 from home but what can I say? I woke up at 7.30 in the morning (it's also because J woke me up) and the others hadn't. Ha ha ha. So we left at 10 something. Niceeee.....

We had fun there. Taking pictures, enjoying the shows and the rides. D even went in to Atlantis, which was of course he was scared but after a couple of provocation and humiliatin from B, he reluctantly agreed.

After Sea World, we met up with R who joined us for dinner with his friends. Then he showed us the city. He brought us first to Extraordinary, which was a dessert place. This was a huge restaurant specialized in dessert. Any cake you want, they have it. Not to mention expensive. A slice of Tiramisu could cost for $10 including tax. After spending money there (crying inside of course), we went to uh...I forgot the place's name, but it's like Santa Monica Beach. Only a piece of it. The pier...sadly. But from there....we could see the city lights. It wasn't like we saw it from up above like from Twin Peak. There was just this a piece of ocean in between us. It's like we saw the city from different island (something like that). It was both romantic and scary. Scary because there was no divider between the pier and the ocean. One wrong step could cause in drowning.

Since that was the first time I actually explored the city (thanks, R!), I could say that this time, the San Diego's trip was memorable.

Hmm my friend just sent me a song. He said that it was Delon.....suspicious tho coz a few days ago, he and his friend was hunting for a used guitar....I wonder....

Omigod.....it was them singing Karena Cinta.

Things you should know about me:

1. I am selfish and egoistic.

2. I have a lot of guy friends...in fact, 90% of them are guys. If you think it's wrong, it's your problem.

3. No matter who you are, you can't control me whom I'm friends with.

4. Unless you tell me not to, I usually tell everything to my roommie, who also happens to be my best friend.

5. I am cranky when I'm tired or sleepy. If you make fun of me at this time, I would either ignore you or snap at you. Your choice.

6. You could talk to me all the good things about veggies until your face goes blue, but I still won't eat it.

7. Ditto about mineral water.

8. I tend to ignore people when I'm reading.

9. I bite my nail when I'm nervous.

10. Please don't tell me what I should do if I have I problem. I would ask for a solution if I want one.

11. Don't get mad if I don't take your solution. I ask for it, I consider it, doesn't mean I'll take it if I don't like it.

12. When I'm really mad, I'd lock myself in my room and won't come out. So any effort to make me come out to talk about it, knocking at my door or anything will go in vain. Forget about it. You really don't want to see me when I'm mad.

13. Sometimes I get ticked off easily. But it depends.

14. I don't like clingy people.

15. If you have something to say to me, say it. I'm not a mind reader so don't expect me to know everything. I'm only human.

16. If you need help and I think I could, I'd do anything I can do to help you.

17. I'm a pretty good listener.......unless if I'm really really tired.

18. I love text messaging ^^

19. Don't criticize me things that I'm not capable to change...like my appearance. (taller, fatter, bustier? hahahahha)

20. But I would change my attitude if I think it's bad.

21. I like simple things.

22. I prefer things that cannot be bought because they have more values.

23. Unless I buy heavy things......I carry my own groceries....Ask D! Huheuheuhe....

24. If I like one song...I'll play it over and over again.

25. I like the colors of blue, white and black. Please don't tell me to wear pink unless I want it myself.

26. I enjoy walking under the rain, it's romantic despite what B said that I was like rural people.

27. If I'm troubled and don't want to tell you why, don't pressure me to. It annoys the hell out of me and I'll be more upset. Instead, either leave me alone or just sit beside me and wait until I'm ready to talk.

28. I care about the people I'm close to.

etc etc............

Anyone want to add more??

After months of losing contact.......I finally called up my friend in Indo. See, because I was so bored while the others were playing Big 2, I fished up my cell and started looking for one name...

D......
Ed...
En.....Alrighty! I pushed the "call" button and waited impatiently for the dial tone. "Hello??" he asked confusedly. I didn't blame him since my number didn't show up on his cell. I mentioned my name and he said, "Heyyyy...!" with the familiar tone. The same tone that always made me relaxed and warmth inside.

We talked for a while. He asked what's new because it's been a long time since we last saw each other and he wondered when would I be back to Indo. After 5 mins (expensiveeeee), we ended up our conversation and he promised that he would msg me his email address so we could e-mail each other again, like we used to.

I hung up the phone, with a smile on my face. Of course I knew that D was looking at me curiously, wondering who I talked to, but my roommie didn't want to tell. Hahahaha....

Who's he? Someone whom I knew for a long time. Someone who had a place in my heart since he drew me on a poster and sent it to me on my birthday. Someone who was special for me. And I intend to keep him with the other special persons in my heart. (Weird, huh, because if a lot of people are special, then won't they be ordinary? Nahhh...I don't think so.)

You were my first slow dance
Thought that we had a chance
But together was too hard for you
Hanging out with your friends
And I accept this things
All I need is for you to be true

I know you care
But it's just not there
When you're not around
I want you there
And you need to stop breaking my heart

Quit breaking my heart
It's tearing apart
All I need is for you to be true (you to be true)
Quit breaking my heart
It's tearing us apart
Baby, quit breaking my heart

Baby I don't feel this way 'bout everyone
Something about you boy
Nothing seems to be quite like this
Holding your hand, touching my face
Standing here waiting for our first kiss

I know you care but it's just not there
When you're not around
I want you there
And you need to stop breaking my heart

Quit breaking my heart

I know you care but it's just not there
When you're not around I want you there

You need to stop
You need to stop
Ohh
Breaking my heart
Baby, oh yeah
Quit breaking my heart
~Mandy Moore - Quit Breaking My Heart~

Sebernernya daku udah nulis2 1 paragraph tadi, trus gue tinggal buat keringin rambut, so did my roommie.. walhasil...listrik turun...mati deh semua komputer hahahahaha....sad....untung baru 1 paragraph. Kalo lebih bisa mogok blogging kali gue.

Well I watched The Ring 2 yesterday. What can I say? Considering that it's sold out big time that I ended up watching at 11 pm, and the line was soooo long, it's as long as lining up to buy Linkin Park concert's ticket, I was hoping to see some HORROR...scary, y'know? But the movie SUCKED big time! If it wasn't for Samara scaring me, it would be a melodrama movie. It's so pathetic that the guys sitting behind us were making fun of it. *Sigh....*

I got a flat tire last night, too. Luckily I caught it before going to the movie. So today after dim sum, I was planning to go to Costco to get a new one. Before that, I was showing it to the guys and one of them (my roommie's bf) offered to fix it up for me at his place. So off we drove to his condo. The poor thing is, he was fixing my tire up, while me and my roommie just stood there in awe watching him taking out the tire and glued something on it. I made a discovery.....I found a personal mechanic hahahahha....Free of charge!!! ^^ *Thanks H!*

We still went to Costco after all because my roommie's bro wanted to buy things and guess who we saw? J and her fiancee. My roommie and I gushed on her bling-bling. The engagement ring. Hahahaha...If it's nothing else to fascinate over a guy fixing a tire...it's DIAMONDS!

Yes....people! C'mon, go get married! So I can finally wear all my dresses that I bought but have never worn. Hehehehehe.....

Wuih gile, frenster tuh up to date banget. Tiap kali deket2 holiday, skinnya pun ganti. Waktu Valentine, frenster jadi supa dupa PINK! Sekarang mau deket2 St. Patrick....jadi HIJAU, dude! Tau deh ntar2 apalagi. But it's pretty interesting to see the window changes color. I mean gak pernah gue buka website yang warnanya gonjreng ijo!

Yesssss......final gue tinggal 1 besok. 1 lagi! Then I'm freeeeeee! Spring break is here. Tapi serasa bukan spring break nih. Napa?? Karena ujan terus, bow! *dengan gaya2 abg, sok2 cool*

I don't mind the rain, really. It's better to rain than just cold! Soalnya kalo ujan tuh gak dingin2 amat, meanwhile kalo ngga...gile tuh kalo malem2 bisa jadi es batu kalo berdiri di luar (hence, gue gak pernah berdiri di luar...ngapain pula??) Kalo bisa sih maunya yang matahari bersinar terang....GAK ditambah angin. Kalo angin udah bertiup sepoi2.....dingin lagiiii!! *kali ini dengan gaya cewe centil*

Cuaca kayak sekarang ini nih yang bikin bingung. Kenapa bingung? Karena saya mau cuci mobil, tapi kalo besokannya ujan...ngapain donk gue cuci?? Tapi kalo ngga dicuci ya kotorrrrr! Dilemma, dilemma......

Mendingan mikirin spring break....hm....masih ngga tau nih mau ngapain. Kayaknya gak jadi deh semua rencana. Gue udah stock novel gini buat dibaca di rumah since ngga pergi kemana2. Sedih ya...padahal cuman seminggu liburannya. Abis itu masuk semester baru lagi. Duh bosannya. I wanna finish school soon!

Funny, most people told me to take my time growing up. But I think to be grown up is the most exciting part. I get to do things that I can't do...like...like....I don't know...more mature? Once a person said to me, "Take your time growing up. Why hurry? You get to do the grown up thing ahead of you, and you get to do it later on. So why bother hurrying up? Enjoy now. Enjoy your time....enjoy your life."

The funniest thing is...I don't remember who said it to me. But whoever that is...maybe I'll take his advice for now. I get to enjoy life at my own time...what's better than that?

It's easy to be jealous of someone. It's easy to see your own flaws. It's easy to wish that you're someone else. But you know what? You're wrong......

Someone could be jealous of you right now. You might think that you're just ordinary and boring, you think that you have nothing that other person could want from you. But it's not true....

Why? Because you can't see the good things in you, while others can. Easily. While you whine and think, "I'm just a normal person.", the others see the good things in you. I know I do. Sometimes I'm too caught up in my own flaws that I can't see the good things in me, that I wish I were someone else. Someone who's more interesting, more sociable, cleverer, more intelligent, prettier, smarter, wittier, is realiable, whom others can depend on, etc....etc....I CAN'T find the good things in me.

So while getting depressed and just thinking that I was at the most bottom list of interesting people, D said to me, "You're the nicest and kindest person I've ever known."

That's it......For once..I can begin to find the good thing in me. Even if he's lying, I don't really care.

And D can't find the good things in himself too (excluding the time when he mentioned that he's rich, handsome, the most patient, etc etc). He sometimes would ask me what were the good things I could find in him. I wonder how could he not see? How could he not know??

Then I realized...that others can see the good things in other people, but they don't know their own. Why? Maybe because it's stuck in your back (a metaphor really). Maybe the good things are placed in your back. You can't see it, but others can, clearly.

The thought of it.....makes me want to work harder...to be a better person.

It's here again......I can feel it!!!

It's the seasonal allergy. At the end of the day, I can feel my neck burning up. And soon, rashes come up and I'll be digging my nails in my skin. It's itchy. Seriously! And sometimes I'll sneeze. I have no idea what causes it. But it always happen once a year. It's like a clock ticking. A year goes by, then, "Oh, it's THAT time again. Bring out the itch medicine!!!"

But I know one thing for sure........It's driving me nuts.

Right now, I am fully glad that I don't have a heart attack. Why?? Let me tell you...

After blogging last night, S sms-ed and asked me if I wanted to go with the guys to eat crepes after dinner. Since I've finished my homeworks, I said sure, so he came and picked me up and R as well. At the Living (the place's name), there we were. R, another R, D, S, B and L. They just got back from dinner after playing basketball. They played Big 2 and I read some magazines while eating crepes until 1.30 in the morning! Considering that we arrived at almost 11, we were wondering where to go. I knew all the guys were tired but they didn't want to admit it, especially B and D. When they're done showing machoism (is there such word??) and I-can't-lose-to-you attitudes, we ended up playing pool. Well, the guys were. I grabbed 2 Maxims to read while they're playing. Waiting for his turn, R picked one up and started reading beside me. He started showing pictures (of girls, what else) at me, and suddenly he called my name and eagerly showed one particular picture that he practically shoved it in my face......a picture of one type of particular reptile that I hate the most!!! There were many of them. I screeched and covered my eyes. Now, I was really well aware that at 2 in the morning, we're the only one who were playing in that place. Of course the place was kinda quiet since the music was slow, and my scream came out very strong, loud and it echoed, making all the guys to stop playing pool and turn around to my direction, asking questions what the hell was going on. I was so in shock that I couldn't speak, while R was laughing. THANK YOU!!!

When I got home, I turn on the water on my sink to wash my face. But as I looked down, I saw this white furry thing running near my foot from the closet. Thank God I didn't scream this time (it's 3 a.m). Well more like I gasped while my brain was trying to catch up with my eyes. Then I realized....it's my hamster that had run away from his cage. I guess he's just as panicky and scared as I was because he didn't struggle to break away when I held him in my arms while I walked to the living room to put him back to his cage.

So now I can't sleep at all because of the excitement tonight. Sigh......I wonder how I'm going to survive Monday...

Lately, I've been thinking about you. Things that we used to do. Words that we both had said. Feelings that we had shared. I long to hear you call my name. I really miss the time when you were mine. Everytime I see your name on MSN, my finger's itching to click on your nick. To talk to you. But when I did, I couldn't find any word to type. My whole brain went numb. Pathetically, I didn't know WHAT to say to you, considering the long countless hours we spent on the phone.

I guess...it's just me drowning in my own memories of us...

"Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away"
~Amy Lee & Seether - Broken~

Finally! I have my own phone in my room! HAhaha...so sad. Well I had no phone in my room, and the only phone I had was a wireless that I put in the living room and sometimes I would take it into my room for days. And a few weeks ago, the phone went ka-put. It didn't ring anymore. And after only using it for 30 mins, there was a blinking to indicate that the battery was low even after I charged it for a full day.

TODAY..........I went to Fry's and bought one set of phone. A corded and cordless. I put the corded in my room and the other in the living room. So there are 3 phones now including my roommie's. Nice, huh? 2 persons with 3 phones. What would I do with them?

Well this quarter's almost over. On Friday night I would be officially free and starting my spring break. I still have no idea what to do. It started from Chicago, to Cruise, to San Diego, to LA, and finally.......I settle for staying at home! How sad is that? Maybe I could start playing my computer games that I bought since last quarter. YES...I actually bought SIMS 2 and Roller Coaster Tycoon 3 last quarter but I couldn't find a time to play them at all. I was in the tornado of exams, homeworks and papers. It's like chaos. And this quarter, I didn't have the excitement to play them due to some reasons.

My roommie's bday is coming up and I have no idea what to give her. I might have to consult her bf.

Hm, sebenernya gue ngga tau sih mau tulis apaan. Somehow I just have to write something. Hari ini gue kelar 2 finals, masih ada 3 lagi buat minggu depan. Rabu, sama Jumat. 1 lagi tuh online jadi kapan aja terserah gue kapan kumpul yang penting sih harusnya hari minggu, the end of final week gue harus udah kasih. Takut? Tentu donk. Gue serem juga sih, quarter ini kayaknya santai banget deh. Mungkin karena kelas2 gue disebar kali ya, ngga kayak quarter lalu yang kelas gue ada 5 dalem sehari. Jadi serasa abis nonton maraton di bioskop 3 pelem berturut2. Jadi quarter ini gue relax banget deh, malah keterusan en males2an gitu jadinya. This is bad.

Hidup ini monotone banget ya. Gue rasanya jenuh. Bosan sama rutinitas sehari2. Bangun pagi, kelas, trus bengong di kelas, pulang, main2 sampe malem, trus tidur sampe besok lagi. Trus ya gitu2 aja. Gue bosan. Datar rasanya. Tapi ini yang namanya manusia ya. Kalo hidup udah tenang en tentram, komplen deh kalo idup ini bosen banget, ngga ada excitement. Tapi kalo idup udah mulai2 rame en banyak kejadian yang surprising, kita komplen kalo idup ini complicated banget en we're having a hard time keeping up.

Manusia emang egois, well GUE egois, gue ngaku aja. Gue ini emang gak pernah puas sama apa yang gue punya. Terkadang malah gue ngga tau apa yang gue punya sampe ngerasa kehilangan. Baru deh gue nyadar.

I try to live my life the fullest. Try to appreciate everything I have. Everyday I'm reminded of how lucky I am. I have good friends, who stand by me whenever I need them. I have enough money to enjoy life. I have a great life, I am loved by my parents that I could study overseas. I know. I should be thankful.

I will try my best to be appreciative.

I'm at D's house right now, supposedly doing KIN but we're watching Flight Of The Pheonix. It's always an excuse to forget about assignment, huh? =p

Despite that I want to sleep so bad (I lack sleep since last night because I was studying for my 2 finals today), I'm not at home. I've been thinking and missing my bed at home yet I'm at D's house, making sure that if D and S are asleep, they'd be awake later on to continue studying for their AGB final tomorrow. Remind me why I'm doing this again. I want to sleep......!!! Either I'm too nice or stupid.

But at least...I don't have to worry about dinner because D cooked for all of us hahahaha. I ain't complaining. Beats instant noodles, huh??

Today.......I skipped Social Psych!

I was so tired since last night I didn't get enough sleep. Although I went to my morning BIO class at 8, after that class, I called my roommie who's just leaving home to go to school. She poisoned me to skip class and go home to sleep. I blamed myself for getting affected so easily. So I went home and slept T_T

Woke up just to go to my roommie's dealer because she was getting her car alarm installed, and then I drove her home. Now....I'm not doing what I was suppsed to do. Study. Yes...STUDY!

I have this Kinesiology (I'm not sure how to spell it) homeworks due this Sunday but then I think I'll just leave it until tomorrow because I've gotta study for my 2 final exams tomorrow. It seemed like I won't be sleeping tonight.

Life's nice *sarcastically*

I can't sleep....So I did what I usually do.......

Browsing. Hahahha

And then I put up a tagboard, a comment box, and a hit-counter. Well it might be for a while, since this is the first time I did this. If I don't like it (too crowdy) I might delete it. But maybe, just maybe.......I don't know yet. Still trying new things...

Fortune tellers, fortune cookies, astrologies, etc etc.....

Who read those? I guiltily will say yes. Not that I entrust my whole life with that. It's just fun to see how my day will go, or how my lovelife this month, etc. But seriously, I do not take them literally into account. I will not, for example after reading that I should avoid taking the elevator, take the stairs to go up to 5th floor. It seems silly for me.

Anyhow, if I already know the future, then I won't take a single step ahead. I won't take the journey that I was supposed to take. That's what interesting about life. It surprises you in any way it can. The outcomes of everything are always unpredictable. If I already know what is going to happen to me, there won't be any excitement in my life. If I know that I'm gonna end up hurt in a relationship, I wouldn't start it, without realizing that to make things matter the most to you, it has to hurt in any way. So I'll know what is it worth.

I won't let some persons who claim to be gifted run my life. Destiny, fate.....let me choose them. Let me live the life that I want. Options are laid out for me to choose. To go through a path, to find what it leads me to.

So when I reach to the end, I could say, "I did it..."

So tired...
So lonely...
So empty...
I grabbed the nearest cutter
Slashed myself on the wrist
Watching in satisfaciton
When the blood began to drip
A smile formed on my lips
A victory smile
As my room began to spin
As I began to lose my sight
As my heart felt so right
As my body hit the ground
...As I die

Wise people say that to be able to love others, we have to be able to love ourselves first.

What does it mean? Good things, how am I supposed to find them? Sometimes I only know things that I hate about myself, because that's all I know. I hate myself. In bulletin board friendster, there were numerous times when a question popped, "What do you like most about yourself?" And I could only laugh. Sarcastically. And I would answer, "Everything!" without knowing what it was, with fully realizing that I was lying. I don't even know the good things about myself. How pathetic is that?

But...even if I force myself into finding good things, things I like about myself...it feels so empty. I guess it doesn't work that way.

I think...when I hear someone say s/he likes me, for the first time, without me questioning his or her sanity, I think...when someone accepts me for the first time, I feel like I can forgive myself a little. I can begin to face my fears....

....I can begin to like myself...

Sadar ngga sih kalo selama ini, para cewe tuh terlalu dibuai sama cerita2 pelem yang romantis, buku2 yang endingnya bagus, atau semua yang endingnya tuh happy? Contohnya, ya gue ini hehehehehe.....

Gue gak demen banget kalo akhir cerita, sang cewe ngga jadi sama cowonya, atau merit atau gimana. Misalnya tuh Wedding Date, jadi deh mereka berdua, atau What A Girl Wants, ya jadi juga. Pokoknya gitu deh. Gue jadi ngerasa maksa banget yah, apalagi kalo baca novel, sebelom beli, gue pasti buka halaman terakhir buat tau tokoh utamanya jadi ngga ama cowonya. Maap buat yang ngarang buku huehueheuhue. Padahal semuanya di dunia ini, kita tuh ngga tau ujungnya tuh bakal gimana, soalnya kalo udah tau, gak bakal deh kita ambil jalan buat melangkah kemanapun juga. Sampe game Final Fantasy 10 pun, pas akhirnya Yuna harus pisah ama Tidus, gue tuh gak terimaaa banget deh. Untung sadar en diciptalah FFX-2, yang akhirnya Tidus ketemu lagi ama Yuna and it all ended happily.

Yes, gue tuh sadar banget kalo selama ini gue terlalu termakan sama dongeng2 klasik indah, yang cinta tuh bisa ngalahin semuanya. Kenapa yah? Mungkin karena kehidupan nyata tuh, gak jalan seperti di pelem2. Tiap kali nonton, pasti deh keluar2 pada mikir, "Aduh, coba gue kayak itu cowo atau cewe tadi...." dan buntut2nya tuh para2 jomblo2 mikir, "Pengen punya pacarrrrr....!", atau bahkan yang punya pacar pun bertanya sama pasangannya, "Kok elo gak pernah gitu sih?"

Gue sadar banget kalo kenyataan tuh gak ada yang cowo ngejar2 sampe ke bandara buat setopin cewenya pergi. Atau yang ni cowo mati2an dekorasi 1 tempat buat sang cewe makan disana just to get her, to make her understand that he wants her so bad. Atau adegan yang cowonya nyelamatin cewe biasa, yang ngga bisa apa2. Dan semua romantis2 di pelem, semua scenes that made us go, "Awwwww..."

I fully realize that it won't happen in reality. As soon as I realize that, reality hits. I guess the truth hurts. Is that why all those scriptwriters makes all those things? To escape from reality? From what that could never happen in real life? And do we want it so bad, sampe2 kita2 tuh kemakan sama pelem2? Ataukah gara2 pelem2 itu dari dasar hati cewe2 yang paling dalem, kita tuh ngarepin our Knights In Shining Honors, our Prince Charming, the one who would save us from all these heartbreaks? And for most men, do you secretly wish that you would find your princess one day to save her from her doomsday?

So......when watching movies, is that a way to escape reality?

Like any other person, I sometimes wonder why I was born. What is my mission in this world? What did God plan me to do in this earth? I guess I can never find the answer.

But I know one thing for sure. I'm born to meet someone. To be someone who can be his strength. To bring warmth to this person. To be happy with him. So I could smile one day when I see him and confidently say, "I was born to meet you, to be with you."

Until that day comes, I guess I have to learn life. I have to fall down and pick up myself again and again without giving up to find what I've been searching for. It's like the old saying, God wants me to meet the wrong people so that when the right person comes, I'd appreciate the gift.

Sometimes I give up, when I fall down, I stay on the ground, thinking why bad things happen to me and I try to blame others. Sometimes I even push my friends away from me, afraid to be hurt, and to hurt them. Sometimes I think that being alone is better, that nobody could hurt me. But what I realized is, to feel happy, to feel warmth in my heart, to hurt my friends' feelings, to be hurt by them...that's how I learn about others and myself. If I don't....I'll never be able to care about anyone but myself.

So from now on, I'll learn to be a better person. To be less selfish...or not to be selfish at all. To trust others more, to bring warmth and joy to my friends, to be more understanding, to be true to myself and others, to be more patient, and try to hold my temper so it doesn't get lost so quickly. To be someone whom my friends can proudly say that I'm their friend.

When I become that person, someday, I'll meet someone who smiles and says to me, "I was born to meet you, to be with you..."

Gila deh.......

Gue bangun tuh jam 7 (in just one word....TELATTT!) lantaran gue ada kelas jam 8. Langsung buru2 deh gue mandi en keramas. Kelar2 udah jam 7.20 gitu trus setelah keringin rambut, gue pun telp R dan ternyata.....dia masi tidur en minta gue bangunin lagi ntar T_T

After 10 mins, yang gue pake buat bengong2 di depan closet baju mikirin mo pake yang mana, gue pun morning call R lagi....yang minta gue bangunin 10 menit lagi...again... T_T

Setelat2nya gue....R masih lebi telat yaks hueuehuehue. Well I don't really mind being late actually, I just mind if the teacher marked me absent. That's why I don't wanna be late for that class. Sigh.....

Buat J, gak enak nih ama dia...kemaren2 ini gue minta konjaku ama dia (ager2 gitu deh) en bilang tar hari rabu gue ambil. Tapi lantaran gue gak kelas siang, abis jemput rumet gue pulang en trus gue tidur, and so did my roommie, gue gak denger kalo J telp gue. Huhuhu... sorry ya J. I felt so bad.

Listening to my songs in Winamp now, then a song came up. Chobit's Let Me Be With You...continued by DAI's Would You Marry Me. Know who popped out in my mind when I heard those songs?

Yes...you.....

My memory brought me back to early 2004 (gue kayak nenek2 yang lagi cerita). In fact, it was a year ago, huh, that I started to know you. Started to know you thru my roommie. It didn't even matter that there was an ocean between us. Time flew by, it was until the sun rose that I chatted with you. I talked to you before going to bed, I talked to you when I was awake. You're in my mind before and after I closed me eyes. Through MSN, through Yahoo Messanger, thru SMS, through webcam. It wasn't long until I realized that I had a crush on you, and couldn't wait to see you during my summer break.

It wasn't long until I fell in love with you.

My memory's flooded with you right now. It brings sweet and sad memories. Those 3 long months memories with you. I don't think I can forget them. Pictures of you in my mind. Pictures of us holding hands. Picture of us laughing. Picture of us talking. Picture of us smiling. Pictures of you holding me. Pictures of you kissing me.

Sadly, that what connects me to you now. Memories of us...

Funny, if talking to people help me to relax, why do I keep on coming back to my diary and blog to vent?

Maybe I know they won't judge me. Maybe I know that I can say ANYTHING to them without them being bored listening to what I say. Maybe I know that they're there for me 24/7. I know that they won't talk back and say that what a sad life I have. Maybe I'm more comfortable this way.

But maybe.......I really need to go out more!! T_T