It's almost December....in fact, it's in 2 more days. I usually associate December with Christmas, most people do. But it's usually this month where I'm torn between loving and hating Christmas.

Hey, don't get me wrong.

I love Christmas. I love the songs, they somehow warm my heart. I love it when people put decorations on their lawn, or hang small bulbs around their windows. This is the month when people have excuses to shop, to buy gifts for their loved ones. I love watching their faces light up when they open their presents. There is nothing beats how you feel when you're with your family and people whom you care about during Christmas time. Somehow, this month, too, everyone is nicer.Maybe it's the magic of Christmas.

But Christmas, too...

Is the day when I feel like I'm totally alone even when I'm surrounded by a lot of people.

Do you know what's better than going shopping?

When you can get things for free! Hahhahahaha....

Well it's like this, for months, I've been eyeing the make up from Lancome, but of course since:
a) I don't wear make up
b) I only use sun-screen and neutral color powder every morning
c) I only wear lip-gloss

...therefore I never thought about buying the mascara, eye shadow, lip liner, etc. And today, my wish came true.

Thanks to D, who's buying the mascara and eye liner from Lancome for his friend in OZ, he got a free gift for any purchases above $29......if I remembered correctly. A tube of lipstick, 6 colors of eye shadows, the brushes for mascara, etc etc, PLUS the make-up bag, and one tote bag. I quickly gave him the pleading eyes as he was paying, "D, since you obviously won't use that gift, and neither would your friend........can I take it for me????"

He didn't even have to think about it.

"Sure!"

So now I can proudly say that I have something that I'm not even sure that I'll use it. But it's nice to have make-up........right?

*grinning*

I wanna scream out loud.

Do you ever think about how I feel when you say bad things about her? Do you ever think about how I feel hearing that? Do you consciously realize that you put me in the middle in your battle? Do you think that you could put a price on my emotion? Do you think that I would feel better once you give me material things? Do you think you could just pay me off?

Is there a price tag for my feelings?

Do you realize that you blame me for things that I don't do?

Do you even care?

Then...
When I looked at myself in the mirror, I had no trouble with my own body, my own face, my physical being. I liked myself.

Now...
After hearing such remarks, "Ohmigod, you're too thin!" "If only you (insert things that I should do) I bet you'd be more beautiful!" "If you (insert things that I should do) then you'd be more attractive!"
I used to ignore this, because I had no problem with my own body. But now, I'm beginning to think that I'm deceiving myself. Does appearance count more than my personality? Does one person looks at me and thinks, "Dang she's ugly! I bet she isn't nice!"? Does my physical appearance defines who I am, what kind of person I am?

When I look in the mirror now, I want to smash it into small pieces with this hand. I may laugh on the outside while you criticise me, whether you think it's for my own good (while I think it's for your OWN FUCKING good), but I can't help this question running in my mind, "Am I really THAT repulsive that you have to comment?"

I tried to think that maybe all my friends are saying because they're concerned about me. But it doesn't help now that I'm beginning to hate myself physically.

Then....
I could ignore them and still be proud to be me. I could say, "If I have no problem with my body, why should you? Nobody's perfect! As long as I'm not doing drugs, don't do things that hurt myself, and HEALTHY, don't they count??"

Now....
I can't say to myself, "Words can't bring me down..."
I'm afraid all those words are getting to me.

A friendly reminder from someone hehehehe............

Sigh, I'm gonna be 24 next year. 24! Can you believe it?

And I start wondering what have I done with my life?
What have I accomplished?
Have I done good for the people around me?
Do I make my life worthwhile?
Do I spread happiness or grief to my friends?
Have I matured as time passes by?
Or do I keep on acting childish?
Seriously, what have I done with my life?

Sometimes when things get overwhelming, when I can't take the troubles that life gives me, I retreat to a corner, to a place where no one could reach me. That "space" is small and dim, just enough for one. But inside there, I feel safe, I feel I could escape from the world. I feel like time stops for me. Maybe this is my defense mechanism....

But dangerously, too, in this tiny space, I could feel that I just want to close my eyes...

...and never have to open them anymore.

After getting so many questions on how do I define love........I still have no idea. How do you DEFINE love, really? It's been argued so many times back since hundred years ago, even Shakespeare tried. Nobody has the same idea about what love is. I know I don't.

All I know when somebody tells me to complete this sentence, "Love is..."

I'd say complicated.

Complicated in good ways, in bad ways, in both ways.

Good ways as in, c'mon, seriously, have you ever been in love? When everything around you is so so pretty, the world is worth living for, your days are getting better and better, no matter how you stutter or your brain freezes when you're around the person that you fall for. To put it simply, life is beautiful.

Bad as in, when you get your heart broken because of love, you feel like you can't face tomorrow, your mourn for the death of your love (not the person), you wonder why you're still living when your world has stopped moving.

But you can't live without love, neither can you live without its complications. Somehow you can't just take the good things without getting the bad things.

So I'll say, I don't know what love is, but I know what I want from love.

I want a simple love without me having to make it so complicated. I want pure love, I want that person to want me because of love, and nothing else. Simply put it, I want a love that will last....

Is that possible?

"I want a little something more
Don't want the middle or the one before
I don't desire a complicated past
I want a love that will last forever..."
~A Love That Will Last by Renee Olstead~

Cihuy! Finally I got this Sony Bean mp3. Fell in love after seeing it
for the first time in J's magazine.

I'm happyyyyyyyyyyyyyy =^^=

Baby, happy 2-month anniversary....

Finallyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! I got this chinese song from my roommie (thanks, B!). It's called Tong Hua which means Fairy Tale.

Here's the translation:

"I've forgotten how long it has been
since I've never again...
listened to you telling your beloved fairytale
I've thought for a long time
I start to panic
have I done something wrong?

You said to me full of tears
Inside the fairytale are all lies
I can't possibly be your prince
Maybe you can ever understand
ever after you said "I love you"
The stars in my sky has lightened up

I'm willing to be
that angel you love inside the fairytale
Spread up my hands
become the wings to protect you
You must believe...
believe that we can be like that in the fairytale
prosperity and happiness is the ending

You said to me full of tears
Inside the fairytale are all lies
I can't possibly be your prince
Maybe you can ever understand
ever after you said "I love you"
The stars in my sky has lightened up

I'm willing to be
that angel you love inside the fairytale
Spread up my hands
become the wings to protect you
You must believe...
believe that we can be like that in the fairytale
prosperity and happiness is the ending

I want to be
that angel you love inside the fairytale
Spread up my hands
become the wings to protect you
You must believe...
believe that we can be like that in the fairytale
prosperity and happiness is the ending

I will be
that angel you love inside the fairytale
Spread up my hands
become the wings to protect you
You must believe...
believe that we can be like that in the fairytale
prosperity and happiness is the ending

Let's write our ending together"
~Tong Hua by Guang Liang (or Michael Wong)~

Watched the music video and cried. Can't blame me. Told you I cry easily if I see something sad.

I know I'm excited like hell for going back to Indo in 2 months, but I'm sure there are gonna be things that I'll miss, that Indo doesn't have.

1. Godiva's Milk Chocolate Latte
2. Portos Bakery...need I say more?
3. Petsmart hahahaha
4. Walmart 24 hours
5. Denny's French Vanilla Cappuccino
6. Guppy's Brick Toast
7. Toko Rame

*ngiler..............*

If I were a star in the sky, would you notice me? Would the other stars' brightness overwhelm me...covering me?

If I were this tiny star in the sky, would you, at night, search for me?

If I were a little star in the sky, would you wish for me?

If one day I get dimmer, would you continue looking for me? Would you even notice?

If I were to wish that I was the sun because I would be the brightest, would it make a difference?

Starlight, star bright, I couldn't make your wishes come true...

But I still wanted to shine on for you

"I don't want to go another day
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind
Seems like everybody is breaking up, throwing their love away
I know I got a good thing right here
That's why I say (Hey)

Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you
My baby, nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you

I don't want to go another
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind
See the way we ride in our privated lives
Ain't nobody getting in between
I want you to know that you're the only one for me
And I say

Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you
My baby, nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you

And now, ain't nothing else I can need
And now I'm singing 'cause you're so, so into me
I got you
We'll be making love endlessly
I'm with you
Baby, you're with me

So don't you worry about people hanging around
They ain't bringing us down
I know you and you know me and that's all that counts
So don't you worry about people hanging around
They ain't bringing us down
I know you and you know me
And that's why I say

Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you
My baby, nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you

Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you
My baby, nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you"
~Stickwitu by Pussycat Dolls~

I'm loving this song right now. Well it's been a month and I can't get this song outta my head. Somehow listening to this makes me missing him even more.

Do you know, what is the greatest feeling of all?

Sometimes it's not to love and be loved.

It's not about achieving your goals.

But most of the time, it's being accepted for everything I am.

Then maybe, I would stop feeling worthless...

Lantaran semalem gue belajar buat quiz....en jadinya kemaleman en gue tidur, walhasil hari ini kuisnya cukup bikin gue berbengong2....

Kenapa gue belajar malem2 (or subuh)???

Karena.......V datenk ke rumah....(alasan mutlak hihihi). Sebenernya sih abis kelar BHS 307, maunya ke library en ngeprint lecture notes Statistic 120. Ternyata Juju ada di rumah bareng V (sumpah loh bukan gara2 loe orang, tapi emang rasa males lagi ketok2 pintu), jadinya gue langsung tancep gas en pulang (lantaran di parkiran dah gelap and no one was there).

Lalu gue, Bebenk, Juju, en Victor pergi makan ke Coffee Break. Senangnyah makan curry yang ngga pedes (lho?). Tapi gak asiknya gara2 lewating jalan Grand. Nah jalan ini terkenal sama banyak hantunya malem2 (duh, gak mungkin kali ya hantu keluar siang2??), banyak pula laporan masuk dari orang2 yang udah liat. Sengaja pula Bebenk nyetir lewat jalan situ instead of taking the freeway. Sepanjang jalan itu gue ngeliat ke DEPAN terus, gak berani nengok kiri kanan. For someone who had seen a ghost, I don't think I wanna experience it again!

Anyhoo, trus Juju pulank, tinggal V yang masih ngebenerin komputer Y, lantaran komputernya baru di format jadi butuh softwares (baca: bajakan) buat di install. Trus gue komen tentang Acrobat Reader gue yang tiap kali error kalo mo di install. V langsung bertindak (cie) ngebenerin itu program yang bikin gue tiap kali harus ke sekolah kalau mau ngeprint, atau harus bajak komputer orang kalo mo baca. Walhasil? Nihil! Emang error en komputer gue harus di format biar bisa bener lagi. Usul ditolak.....

Trus V ngasih ide, "Gimana kalo komputer loe orang ada shared documents aja? Jadi kalo mo transfer gak usah lama2 trus bisa gampang lagi ngasih file2 ke Y atau B?"

Usul yang bagus, tapi bikin V jadi tambah kerjaan karena dia harus utak atik komputer gue, Y, AND B. Hihihihi. Udah gitu ternyata B gak ada spyware yang jadinya harus download dulu. Ternyata? Tak bisa karena blom update ke XP2. Trus coba dari komputer Y biar bisa nanti ditaro aja di Shared Folder. Ternyata? XP2 nya Y palsu ding hahahaha.....Akhirnya pake komputer gue lantaran gue punya asli (hidup kejujuran). Blom lagi yang bentar2, "Vic, ini gimana yah?" dateng dari arah 3 kamar.

Gue rasa....besok2 V kalo liat kita langsung ambil langkah seribu bertolak arah. Pokoknya biar ngga dipanggil buat benerin komputer lagi.

Kok gue malah cerita V? Yah intinya gue gak bisa kuisnya hari ini....T_T

How far would you go to trust someone? When you do, do you trust 100%? Or just some 50-90%?

Me? I'd go 100%. Even though everyone keeps on telling me not to do that, it's hard not to trust people. I know trust is a big issue, but for me, I will trust someone 100%, until s/he destroys that trust. Then, I can never trust him/her again.

Then it's about e-mail passwords. Us, girls, were talking about it. Apparently, they all gave their passwords to their boyfriends, just because the issue of trust. Amazing, if there's a trust at the first place, wouldn't password be a small problem? I never give my passwords to my guy, I don't want to know his, either. Not because I have anything to hide in my e-mails, but I don't want to be that kind of girl, who gets paranoid whenever I see a girl's name in his e-mails. And IF I know his password, I'm afraid that I might get tempted to log in his accounts, hence the extreme suspicions of other girls' names. I don't want to freak out in every little things.

So when I'm asked, "Aren't you afraid that your guy would cheat on you?"

Nahh.............I don't. But if he does, then let them know that he's the bad guy, he's the one who cheats. Me not trusting him and keep on checking on his e-mails wouldn't be the factor of us breaking up. So, yeah, I trust my guy completely.

I know it's bad. After all, trust is something that has to be built, it's not just THERE, you know? But I'd rather trust someone, and even though s/he might hurt me completely, I can never stop trusting someone. I'd rather get disappointed over and over again, and I would never regret in trusting someone. Idiotically, I allow myself to get hurt and hurt again when someone I trust disappoint me. Because seriously, not all people are kind.

Why don't I stop?

I dont' knowwwwwww....maybe because I read somewhere that it's better to trust someone than to doubt them. People aren't born with kind hearts. When we're born, all we have are desires for food and material things. Those are selfish instincts. But kindness? It's something that grows inside of each person's body. It's up to us to nurture that kindness in our hearts, that's why kindness is different for every person. So it's easy to misunderstand when others are trying to be kind to you. Doubting is easy, anyone can do it. But I.......want to believe in people. Maybe that can be my strength...or issit just plain stupidity?

I've got my cableeeeeee!!!!! Both internet and TV. I love my life right now.....!!!

Finally I can go online again 24/7....minus the hours I'm sleeping and at school of course.